It’s currently 11:30pm on a Thursday evening. I can hear my bunny running around in the living room bouncing off the walls. I’m sat up in bed on my laptop, making a few adjustments to my blog. Despite the distraction, my anxiety is worsening. Another day has almost gone, which means Monday is getting closer.
Monday afternoon I start a new job. The role itself isn’t new to me, so why am I so anxious that I could sit here and cry all night? Surely starting a new job in a role you are familiar with is a beneficial factor. But that doesn’t soothe my fear of starting again.
I know that starting a new job can be daunting for anyone. But, I have been in and out of jobs all year, unable to feel balance and content with my work. I know that the work wasn’t always the problem, it was everything else. It’s no wonder I feel anxious about starting over again. I’ve had the ‘new start’ too many times this year.
The thing is, this time it’s a job that I have wanted for a long time. It’s not a job that I have applied for just for the sake of having a job. I’ve left jobs for no reason this year, sometimes I’ve had really good days and the next day I wake up and I just can’t face it. Those are the days when anxiety has won.
In my head, one minute I am super excited to start. The next, I feel like I could curl up into a ball and cry. I’m worried about all the things that could go wrong. I’m anxious about meeting a whole new team. I’m anxious about how busy it will be, will I be able to cope with the volume? Will I get thrown into the deep end too soon and fail again?
My relationship with mental health hasn’t been a good one this year. My job has been the downfall, all I want is to find a job that doesn’t feel like work. A job that I don’t feel like a slave. Is that too much to ask? I’ve had it before in a job and the feeling “I love my job” lasted for 4 years. All I’m hoping for is for that to happen again.
I am capable.
I can do this.
I will do this.